Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
