Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
