She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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