once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
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don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
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I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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