I just made out with a guy for $7.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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