im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
