I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
