My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
