If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
