Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
