Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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