I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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