I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
