Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
