Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
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We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
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Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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