You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
