I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
