I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
