I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
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I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
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There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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