i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
