Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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