i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
