every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
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Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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