i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
