I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
