i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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