She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
