I'm going to jail i love you
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
