i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
