He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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