Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
