We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
