Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
