I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
