The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
