Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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