I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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