YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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