why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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