i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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