It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
