we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
