I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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