If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
