Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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