I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
