Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
