Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
