she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
They took my balls.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
