The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
