my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
