well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
