Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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