Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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