I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
