I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
