my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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