Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
