I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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