i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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