I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
